Other people's pain
We all deal with pain differently, and we all respond differently to the pain of other people. I remember once sharing with a close friend about some of the things I was struggling with at work, and she responded to my pain with attempts to fix the problems. As a testament to how good our friendship is, I stopped her, and told her all I needed was for her to listen, to let me tell how I felt about the situation, because she couldn't help me 'fix' anything. As further proof of how good our friendship is, she did.
Because I wonder how often I have had someone respond unhelpfully to my pain, and never said anything. I wonder how often I have deliberately chosen not to share my pain because I expect that the person's response will be unhelpful, perhaps even hurtful, even when they actually really want to help.
And I have been thinking about this recently as I have heard about or witnessed various kinds of pain in the lives of people I know and care about, as well as in the lives of strangers halfway around the world. I have a large family, including several sisters, all of whom are incredibly dear to me. And yet, I know I will ask questions or share my struggles more with some of them than with others. I am more likely to tell my pain to those who are most like me, or who have responded well in the past to my pain or to the pain of others. And it hurts when I don't know how to show some of them that I care, that I am proud of them for who they are and how they live their life when their life is full of pain.
So often we don't know the pain that other people are dealing with. Some of us excel at 'performing' as if everything is normal when we are barely keeping our heads above water. And even when we know about the pain in someone else's life, when it is not visible, it is easy for that information to slide into the background, and we find ourselves losing patience with someone for not living up to our expectations, or struggling to understand their reactions to seemingly simple or minor things.
For many of the people I care about, I will probably never fully understand what you are going through either now, in the past, or in the future. But I do try to see things from your point of view, I will try to understand, and I do care. And if you are trying to tell me about what you are dealing with, and I am talking to much, let me know that you need me to listen. And as a good friend once did for me, I will try to do so.
Because I wonder how often I have had someone respond unhelpfully to my pain, and never said anything. I wonder how often I have deliberately chosen not to share my pain because I expect that the person's response will be unhelpful, perhaps even hurtful, even when they actually really want to help.
And I have been thinking about this recently as I have heard about or witnessed various kinds of pain in the lives of people I know and care about, as well as in the lives of strangers halfway around the world. I have a large family, including several sisters, all of whom are incredibly dear to me. And yet, I know I will ask questions or share my struggles more with some of them than with others. I am more likely to tell my pain to those who are most like me, or who have responded well in the past to my pain or to the pain of others. And it hurts when I don't know how to show some of them that I care, that I am proud of them for who they are and how they live their life when their life is full of pain.
So often we don't know the pain that other people are dealing with. Some of us excel at 'performing' as if everything is normal when we are barely keeping our heads above water. And even when we know about the pain in someone else's life, when it is not visible, it is easy for that information to slide into the background, and we find ourselves losing patience with someone for not living up to our expectations, or struggling to understand their reactions to seemingly simple or minor things.
For many of the people I care about, I will probably never fully understand what you are going through either now, in the past, or in the future. But I do try to see things from your point of view, I will try to understand, and I do care. And if you are trying to tell me about what you are dealing with, and I am talking to much, let me know that you need me to listen. And as a good friend once did for me, I will try to do so.
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